Male Enhancement Techniques

• What You Need To Know
• No matter what the e-mails tell you, pills don't work.
• Methods like penis pumps and jelqing could actually damage your body.
• Investing time in exercise and a healthy sexual interest is better than quick fixes.

"A pill has about as much chance of actually increasing the size of your manhood as NBC does of ever getting Conan O’Brien to return to its network."

In my novel Shrinkage, a guy with one “little” problem solves that problem in a big, big way with a bizarre mixture of pills combined with a not-as-directed, inventive use of an electronic device. My novel is pure fiction and is hopefully good for a lot of laughs, but it won’t increase the size of your package one micron. Let’s get serious and focus on all the actual ways that you can increase the size of your manhood. But wait, are there really any?

Pills

Products with names like ExtenZe, ErectZan and the somehow recently knighted-sounding Sir Maximus round out the hundreds of offerings in this category.

A pill has about as much chance of actually increasing the size of your manhood as NBC does of ever getting Conan O’Brien to return to its network. Maybe a few of these “miracle” supplements bring, like, a milliliter more blood to the target area, but you could accomplish that yourself by being in a little better shape. There are many supplements claiming to make you 30% larger or even more, but the only thing getting huge is the profits of the companies that sell them. Save your money.

Penis pump

Model names include the Turbo Suck, the Xtender II Glow-in-the-dark Penis Pump (I can’t imagine why anyone would need a glow-in-the-dark model) and the Fire Pump -- a name that conjures up the frightening image of an open flame near one’s manhood.

A penis pump is a plastic tube with a rubber seal on the end. You insert your manhood, and the rubber creates a vacuum seal around the base of your member. When you squeeze the trigger, it sucks the air out of the tube and pulls more blood into your penis, which pumps it up. It’s like that time you got one of those blowjobs that seemed pretty good at the time but felt a little different, like something was wrong. Then the next day your dick really hurt and was red in a few spots. What happened was your date burst some blood vessels in your junk. Pumping is like that, except it hurts all over, and instead of lasting for a couple of days, the pain lasts for two weeks. Oh, and if you pump it up too much, you can end up with a freakish doughnut ring thing around your dick, like a tire tube that never, ever goes away. Steer clear of this.

Phalloplasty (penis enlargement surgery)

And then there’s surgery. Thank the heavens above for this groundbreaking, absolutely foolproof, guaranteed solution. First, the suspensory ligament that attaches the penis to the pubic bone is severed. Then the penis is moved and reattached a little farther out from the body for a slight gain in length. Finally, the penis is made thicker by suctioning fat from a fleshy part of the body and injecting that fat into the penis.

Do I even need to tell you not to do this? Please don’t let some quack cut your penis off and reattach it, leaving you with a flimsy, mushy, irreparable mess and a $10,000 tab. Any doctor who would offer this service is only doing it because he couldn’t get board-certified in his original specialty of choice, and more importantly, so he can pay for that new Jet Ski he just bought and that new pair of tits his wife has been eyeing.

Jelqing

It’s also called P.E. or Penis Exercise, and the exercises have cool-sounding names like the Horse Squeeze, Ballooning, Leg Tuck Pull, and the unforgettable Side Fowfer.

Jelqing is some painful and dangerous stuff. It’s the practice of beating the absolute crap out of your penis by pulling on it, stretching it and bending it while in various states of erection. It really freaking hurts, and you can damage it permanently. One “exercise” has you pull your penis out from your body while it’s flaccid, as far as it will go, and hold it that way for 30 seconds, all the while hoping none of the inner workings sever in the process. There have been cases where jelqing has led to penises that just stopped working. Want my advice? Don’t do it.

Stretching

I’m not going to even write anything about this. Seriously, you want to hang some heavy weight off your dick? You’re kidding me, right?

Hasn’t your penis been through enough already?

You’ve been jerking him off 3 times a day since you were 14. He’s been crammed down your pant leg in an awkward position during at least one ill-timed boner every day since you were 11. He’s been bitten, slapped, bent, kicked, punched, spit on, shoved into places no one should go, scalded in the shower, shrunken in the polar bear plunge, nicked that time you tried to do some “manscaping,” nearly decapitated by a panicked zippering, nailed with every sports ball imaginable, and finally, chemically burned that time you ran out of hand lotion and got “creative.” In summary, I think he’s had just about enough of your crap. If your penis were a refugee from Darfur, U2 and Sting would be the performing at his Amnesty International Human Rights Now! rally.

So before you go torturing your manhood in ways even the most uncooperative Guantanamo Bay detainee would be spared, maybe you should give it just a tad more thought. Sure, there have probably been a handful of guys on the planet who have seen minimal gains with some of these dangerous techniques, but are any of them even remotely worth the risk? So drop whatever enlargement device you have in your left hand and let go of your penis with your right and just let him be. Save your hard-earned money, and be happy with what you have.

bigger isn't always better

We’ve all seen porn where some guy sporting a monster package has scared the hell out of or at the very least really impressed his costar. I’ve also seen porn starring average guys too. Don’t you think if there was an actual way to make it bigger, you would have never seen an average guy in a real professional porn film? Before being cast in the role, the director would have sent Johnny-average-dick back to his apartment with a bottle of pills, a pump or a list of exercises, and then shooting would have commenced after the “problem” was fixed. And on that point, the defense rests.